LotR MessedUp Parody 39 Pages of Stupidity
by Bed Of Elrond
Summary: 39 Pages of us (US) on pipeweed. Features FrodoWindowDoor love triangle, 90-degree angled eyebrows, and uphill skiing. New and revised edition, partial commentary. Warning: stupidity may ensue.


Authors' notes: First off, I'd just like to say that basically ALL of the typos in this fanfic are completely intentional. The rest that aren't.. Well, I wasn't going to run spell check over 39 pages of intentional typos. This is, of course, the new and revised edition with PARTIAL COMMENTARY by the authors. This story will be continued when we decide to get off our lazy arses… Now, a word from the authors…

Laurena:HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! I like Orlando Bloom's stuck up hair.

Ash: Personally… I still have that picture stuck up on my bulletin board. WHHHOOOHA.

Erm… Moving on….

SICKLY GREEN

No, really moving on now.

First the cafe floor needed scrubbing. So then Aragorn scrubbed it. Gimli laughed because Aragorn was scrubbing the floor. Aragorn rose to his feet.

"Do not laugh at me, dwarf! I would cut off your head if it stood only a little higher from the ground!"

"Hey! WOAH! That's my line!" cried Éomer, "My line! Mine! My own!"

"Na uh! That's only your line in the MOVIE! Not in the book!"

"What's your point? It's still my line."

"So?"

"NYAH!" Éomer stuck out his tongue.

"Why you-- How dare you defy the knig?!"

"Knig?"

"I mean king."

"You aren't the king yet!"

"I am so!"

"You are not!"

Suddenly they were interrupted by a herd of Nazgûls riding on evil talking deer.

"HAHAA!" said one of the deer, "Let's eat them!"

"No!!!! Let's turn them into apples." said another deer.

"Right... And I suppose you have the power to turn them into apples?"

"No."

"So why did you suggest it?"

"Dunno. I'm bored."

"Shut up."

"You shut up!"

The two deer get into a fight and their Nazgûl riders get thrown off.

Éomer and Aragorn were fighting, so the Nazgûl drew their swords and made ready to behead them. Suddenly, before they got to the two men, a certain elf swung down from the ceiling and threw pudding at their faces.

"Ha!" cried Legolas, "Gotcha!"

The Nazgûl looked up, outraged, before one of them tasted the pudding.

'Mmmm.. Its Chocolate Pudding!'

The other Nazgûl looked at the one who had spoken.

'Really?'

'Yeah!'

They both eagerly get the pudding off their faces, as Aragorn turns around, to face Legolas.

'Well, that wasn't nice, Master Elf! You distracted Éomer and myself! We were about to get onto the fact-'

But Aragorn was cut off, as Legolas replied in a casual voice.

'Yeah, and? I made two people happy today-'

The blond haired prince signifies the two Nazgûl.

'-And how many have you made happy today?' Legolas adds.

Aragorn looked now at Legolas, outraged beyond belief.

'Now Master Elf, maybe I should teach you a lesson! I am Knig!'

'Knig?' Gimli, who was standing nearby questions.

'I meant KING you stupid Dwarf! K-N-I-G!'

Legolas started laughing, but abruptly stopped when he felt cold steel on his bare throat. Aragorn had his sword Anduril pressed against the Elven Princes' throat.

'Now, My _prince_-'

Aragorn says, emphasises the word prince.

Gimli looked at Legolas, before Sam arrived and breathlessly began shouting.

"Help! Master Frodo's caught in the window!"

"He's... caught in the window, Samwise?"

"No."

"But you just said--"

"No such thing."

"Wha...?"

"Are you gettin' confused, Strider, sir?"

"Well, yes."

"Ha ha."

"HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME?! BOW BEFORE ME, LESSER MORTAL!"

"That's right!" agreed Legolas, "You better be nice to him! He's knig, you know!"

"Knig?"

"I'M KING!" yelled Aragorn, and to prove his point, he smashed a beer bottle on his head.

"Ow, that must have hurt..." said Éomer, prodding Aragorn's unconscious body with his sword.

"AND THAT HURTS EVEN BLOODY MORE! STABBING ME'S REALLY GONNA HELP, EH?" cried Aragorn, leaping to his feet.

"We've lingered here far to long!" cried Legolas.

"Huh?"

"They use the word 'linger' a lot in LotR. I wanted to make this sound like Tolkien's work." explained Legolas.

"Oh, this is really something Tolkien would write! Yah, a bunch of nutcases in no where land!"

"We're in no where land?" asked Gimli.

"Duh," said Éomer, "Where are we? No where."

"We have to be SOMEWHERE."

"No we don't. Newton's law of physics!"

"Wow, Éomer, you sure are smart!"

"Why thank you, Gimli."

"STOP FUCKLING AROUND!" cried Gandalf. Fuckling was actually a mix between 'fucking' and 'fooling', if you're completely and totally mentally corrupt (aka stupid).

"I AM KNIG!" yelled Aragorn, "I COMMAND YOU TO RUN! FEAR MY WRATH! HAIL THE CHEW!"

"Well..." said Gandalf, "_Someone_'s been smoking a little too much pipe weed... But now on to business. There's this dude, Sauron, and he made this evil ring of power, right? Then that fool of a Baggins cast it into a volcano-type thing. So now you have to go to Mount Doom and get it back."

"When we wish your tiresome speeches, old man, we shall ask for them. You speak folly, and not else. Linger." said Legolas, "Linger, linger, lingerburger."

"Those who are wise, do not contradict me, Legolas, son of Thranduil."

"Hey, who said I'm son of Thranduil?"

"Tolkien."

"Well, I've never even met the dude! He controls my life, and I NEVER SEEN HIM! Well, NO MORE!!!! Now I'm my OWN father! And Grandfather!"

Everyone gasps.

"You... cannot go against Tolkien, he is.... a... God to us!"

"I'm my own Grandpa, hear that, Tolkien? IN YOUR FACE! See, guys? What's Tolkien gonna do?"

Suddenly, Legolas was struck by lightening.

Aragorn looked at Legolas, who had his hair standing on end.

"See??? I told you! Tolkien is god!'

Legolas, as always, had a witty response.

'Yep. That makes him better than you, oh mighty Knig!'

Aragorn glared at Legolas, then gasped.

'Your right! DAMN YOU TOLKIEN! I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

much better than you! I could write a story better than yours, and-'

But the mighty Knig just had to open his mouth and he got hit with another bolt of lightning.

Legolas stood over him, and laughed.

'Linger!' he yelled.

Sam looked at Legolas.

'Hey, son of Thranduil, did you know I was Bilbo's dad?'

Legolas stopped laughing, and stared at Sam.

'What? Bilbo's father... I don't-'

Sam prodded him in the head.

'Do not question me elf! I alone rule!'

Aragorn glared at Sam for these words, but Legolas cut in.

'Eh... Sam, have you been lingering around the drink bowl for too long? I mean, linger, linger. Well, you sound too much like Andrew Murray.'

Sam looked at Legolas.

'Like who?'

Aragorn was presently dancing around, hopping to avoid random lightning bolts, as he yelled.

'I AM CANADIAN! I MEAN, KNIG! I AM KNIG! I AM KNIG!

_Zap, zap, zap, zap._

_Aragorn fell down. Unfortunately for him, Gimli thought he was a rhinoceros and smashed him into the ground, so everyone thought he was dead._

_"There goes the mighty knig…" said Sam sadly, "we have to bury him!"_

_So Eomer came over and dragged Aragorn's body into a coffin._

_"We will always remember this valiant knig," said Boromir, who appeared there, "He fought bravely always, and I am honoured to have known him."_

"Yes, even though he was stuck up and not nearly as good looking as me," chipped in Legolas.

"Why you—" Aragorn sprang up and grabbed Legolas by the throat, "You take that back, elf! This is MY funeral! You have to be nice to me!"

"Why aren't you dead?"

"Uh…" Aragorn jumped back into his coffin and closed his eyes.

Eomer walked over to close the coffin lid, but Aragorn jumped up and cried that he wasn't dead, after all.

"Oh yes you are!" yelled Sam and shoved him back in the coffin and closed the lid.

"MMMPHHH!!!" came Aragorn's protesting cry, muffled by the coffin's walls.

Suddenly Tom Bombadil came and opened the coffin lid. "I'll save you from the barrow-wrights! He pulled Aragorn out. Then he started to sing…

And Then Bombadil began to sing to Aragorn on one knee.

_'Hey, dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo,_

_Ring a dong! hop a long! fal lal the willow_

_Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!'_

Aragorn looked at Tom.

'I am knig! How dare you sing something so unbefitting to a knig! Stupid Tom whoever-ya-are!'

Legolas tapped Tom on the head.

'Wrong part in the book, Bombadillo!'

Sam interupted.

'What about Mr Frodo! He is still caught in the window!'

Aragorn looked at Sam.

'Master Samwise, I thought you said that Frodo wasnt in the wind-'

Sam looked at him.

'Frodo in a window? No, I did not say that.'

Legolas stared at Sam.

'But you did say so, nay?'

Aragorn was distracted from Sam for a moment.

'Legolas, did you just say NAY???! Thats just as bad as linger!'

Legolas glared evily at him.

'Well, oh mightly knig, I can say linger and nay all I wish. Let us not tarry here any longer! Linger! Nay!'

(And yes folks, that's supposed to be mightly.)

Suddenly, a Black Rider rode up to Legolas and handed him a piece of paper. The rider also gave a piece of paper to everyone else there, except for Gimli.

The rider stood there impatiently. "You're welcome!" it said sarcastically.

"Oh, uh, thank you!" choroused everyone who had received a paper.

Legolas opened his paper. "Happy Valantanes day," he read.

Everyone looked at the Black Rider.

"You are no Nazgul!" cried Aragorn, "Only one person spells 'Valentine's' as Valantanes! Show yourself!"

The Black Rider cast aside her cloak, revealing a girl. Ashley!

"EVIL! KILL THE EVIL!" yelled Gimli, swinging at Ash with his axe.

Ash got hit by the axe, but miraculously, she was not harmed.

"But…. What treachery is this?!" exclaimed Gimli.

"WHEEEE!!!" screamed Ashley and went over to Sam and kept making rude remarks about Frodo in front of him.

Meanwhile, Eomer was having a conversation with his horse. "Yes, I agree completely. I'm sorry, but I can't give you any ale. No! Of course a sip is bigger than a pint! I'm sure of it!"

"Uhh…. Eomer? Why are you talking to your horse?" asked Legolas.

Eomer turned red. "I'm not. I was talking to my… helmet."

"Right…. So, does your helmet talk?"

"It does if you listen properly…"

Then Ash walked over to Frodo.

'HEY, OLD BUDDEH OLE PAL! You jerk, dumb stupid weirdo! I always thought you were to dramatic.. _blah blah blah blah.'_

Eomer looked back to his Helmet.

'So… Have YOU ever noticed how annoying Frodo is? I feel sorry for Sam to have to tag around with him!'

Aragorn looked at Eomer, shook his head, and bellowed.

'I AM KNIG! BOW TO ME! EVEN YOU, TOLKIEN, YOU JERK! I AM KNIG! I AM KNIG!'

_zap zap zap zap zap_

Ash looked at Aragorn.

'Knig?'

'I MEAN KING!'

'Oh. I thought you said you were Knig..'

'KING!'

'Whatever.'

Then Ash looked at Sam.

'Hey, Sammeh, you know that Frodo is stuck in a window right?'

Frodo looked shocked.

'I am?'

'Yes, you are!'

'Oh. Ok.' Frodo says.

Sammeh looked over at Frodo (who wasn't stuck in a window).

'Ok, Mr Frdod! I'll go get help!'

Everyone stares at Sam.

'Frdod?'

Sam nods.

'Yes!'

Then Sammeh yells.

'MR FRDOD IS STUCK IN A WINDOW!'

And he points at Frodo, who was standing next to Ash, nowhere near a window of any kind.

'He is?' everyone questioned.

Suddenly, an object hurled itself at Frodo from a nearby bush and clamped itself onto him. It was a window.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" yelled Frodo.

"I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU MR FRDOD WAS STUCK IN THE WINDOW!!!" yelled Sam.

"No you didn't," said Strider.

"Did so!" yelled Sam.

"Did not!" yelled Strider.

"Did not!" yelled Sam.

"Ha! You said 'Did not'." exclaimed Aragorn triumphantly.

"Ha! You said 'Did not'." exclaimed Sam, copying him.

"Are you copying me?"

"Are you copying me?"

"Grrr…"

"Grrr…"

Meanwhile, Frodo was writhing on the ground, attempting to pry the window off him. Ash, standing beside him, made absolutely no attempt to help him.

"You're short."

"Must… get… window… off me!"

"Watching you writhe in pain on the ground really works for me, ya know?"

"Help…."

Eomer rushed across the field. "HELP! MY HELMET IS MAD AT ME! IT'S CLAMPED ITSELF ONTO MY HEAD!"

"Help…" cried Frodo, "Can't… breath…"

Aragorn rushed over to Eomer and attempted to pry the helmet off his head. It came off with a 'POP'.

"There you go," said Aragorn, handing the helmet back to its owner.

"There you go," said Sam.

"Are you STILL copying me?"

"Are you STILL copying me?"

"Gah… gonna die… gonna die…" muttered Frodo.

"You had better stop that, Samwise Gamgee."

"You had better stop that, Samwise Gamgee."

"I'M GONNA DIE!" screamed Frodo, but no one payed any attention to him.

'Stop copying me, Sam!'

'Stop copying me, Sam!'

Sam jeered at Aragorn, who was plainly furious.

As Frodo cried out again that he was gonna die, Sam turned around, and dashed over.

'Master Frodo?! Are you ok?'

Ash sneered at Sam.

'Does he look like it, Sammeh?'

Sam thought about that for a moment.

'No, not really.'

Ash nodded.

'Yeah, thats what I thought. Use your eyes, Sammeh.'

Sam nodded and smiled.

'Thanks. I will.'

He turned and walked off, back over to Aragorn.

Frodo yelled again.

Then Aragorn walked over.

'Frodo? Are you ok?'

Ash shook her head again, and thought. _God, these stupid jerks…_

'Well, oh mighty knig, does he look alright being killed by a killer window that jumped out of nowhere and probably works for Elrond the Steak Stealer, With The Seventy Degree Angled Eyebrows?'

Strider shook his head.

'No.'

Ash sighed.

'Good.'

Strider walked away.

Frodo glared at Ash. 'Jerk,' he mumbled.

Ash sneered at him.

'Oh yes, my little dying friend? Well, just to keep your mind off your pain, I'll show you some pictures I've been drawing of late.'

She held up a picture, (stick-figured) of Frodo standing there with his head on the ground beside him, and another with Frodo on the ground in pain.

Ash smiled.

'I like that one really.'

Then she yelled across the field, waving the picture.

'HEY! SAMMEH! EOMER! STRIDER! LIKE THIS PICTURE???'

All nodded.

Frodo sighed.

'Jerk,' he repeated.

'Hey, Strider, I was right you know," Sam said.

'About what, Samwise?'

'About you not liking Frodo, and all that 'By my life or death, if I can protect you I will' crap was only to show off to that Arwen Jerk!'

'WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!' Strider yelled.

"Well, in the movie, she stole Glorfindel's only part! I mean, she took the guy out of the movie just so she could be in it a little longer! How stuck-up can you get?"

Strider grabbed Sam by the collar and shoved him against a wall that was conveniently there.

"Don't EVER insult Arwen in front of me again, got it, you miserable little halfling?" he spat.

Sam gulped. "Got it."

"Good." Aragorn released his hold on the hobbit's shirt.

"But that bit about 'By my life or death, if I can protect you I will' WAS just for her, correct?"

"Maybe…" answered Aragorn.

Then Sam turned to Frodo. "Arwen is really ugly, I can't see how—"

Aragorn grabbed Sam again. "I told you not to insult Arwen in front of me, hobbit!"

"I didn't! I insulted him in front of Frdod!"

"Oh… Alright then." Aragorn released the hobbit, trying to figure out the meaning of what Sam had just said.

"EEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!" a piercing cry filled the night air. (No, it isn't night, but I just felt like writing 'the night air')

Laurena (MEEEE!!! YAY! Go me! Ahem…) rushed in.

"Ash," she panted, "I just realised something!"

"What?"

"Uhh… One sec… Uhh… Yah! We haven't got Merry and Pippin in this yet!"

Ash gasps. "You mean… we're going to… bring them in?"

"Yes!"

"PIPPIN WITH HIS ACCENT!"

Pippin and Merry appear out of no where.

"Hey, Pip! What's going on here?"

"I dunno Merry! All I see is a killer window suffocating Master Frodo, Legolas (who hasn't done anything for a really long time), Eomer talking to his helmet and two girls we've never seen before!"

"What about Strider?"

"He seems to be thinking about what Sam just said before we came here!"

"Oh."

"SAY IT, PIPPIN!" cried Laurena.

"It, Pippin," said Pippin.

Laurena glares at him.

"Fine. Do ah know a Baggins? Of course ah know a baggins! He's mah second cousin twice removed my mother's side! And mah fourth cousin once removed on mah father's side!"

"YAY! Say 'mushrooms'."

"Mushrooms!"

Pippin smiled hugely.

'See, Merry, somebody loves me!'

Merry glared at him.

'No, its just because you have an accent!'

Pippin gasped.

'Really?'

'No, its ok Pip. I was joking.'

'Oh. Alrighty then!'

Ash looked at Laurena.

'You think that Legolas should talk soon? He's been awful quiet..'

Then Ash turns to Frodo.

'You there, yell in pain. Its healthy for me to see you in pain...'

Sam was muttering to himself. Then he turned to Merry and Pippin.

'Hey, look you guys! You know that thing that made that monstrous EEEEPPP sound that made us all wizz our pants? Well look who it is!!!'

Strider looked at Sammeh(my Sammeh with his funneh antics), puzzled.

'I wizzed my pants?'

'Yep.'

'Huh?'

'Well..' Came a strange unknown voice. 'You do have a big wet spot on your pants.'

Then came a sound. It was elven laughter.

Legolas looked around, his keen eyes finally settling on…

'You! But I thought..'

Legolas stammered.

The new.. something... stared back at Legolas.

'What, Prince of Mirkwood? Never seen Glorfindel before?'

Legolas shook his head.

'Well, no. Because Arwen took your place in the movie, remember? And.. Come to think of it, I didnt meet you in the book!'

Frodo yelled in pain. Nobody paid attention to him, except Ash.

'Yay! Good boy. Yell again.'

Ash poked him with a stick.

"Don't poke me with a stick!!!" whined Frodo.

Ash poked him with her foot.

"Don't poke me with your foot!!!"

"Hey!" cried Glorfindel, "Let's go on a quest!"

"What kind of quest?" asked the two Ring Wraiths who haven't done anything since Legolas threw pudding at them.

"We shall throw this evil window of Elrond, son of Arathorn, into Sauron's mouth!"

"Yay! But... Elrond, son of... Arathorn?"

"That is what I said."

"Woah!" cried Aragorn, "I got me a long lost brother! 'Cmon! Let's go see him!"

"Okay!" cried everyone, well, except for Frodo, because he was caught in the window.

"I think that window has a thing for Mr Frodo..." commented Sam.

So, everyone mentioned at any point in this story set off for Rivendell. Frodo crawled along after them, but his progress was somewhat hindered by Ash throwing rocks at him.

After about six seconds, the party came around a bend in the road, and Lo! There was the palace of Elrond.

"Hey, Elrond, old buddy, old pal!" cried Aragorn, grabbing Elrond in a big bear hug.

"It... is good to see you, too, king of Gondor. But what business brings you here?"

"Knig of Gondor. Oh! I wanted to see you, 'cause now that you're my brother and all, I thought..." Aragorn stopped in mid-sentence and began to cry.

"What's the matter?" asked Legolas.

"I just realised... If Elrond's my brother, that means that Arwen is my niece!"

"Do not be ailed, Aragorn. I am by no means your brother! I am an elf!" said Elrond, confused.

"Oh. Okay. " smiled Aragorn.

Then Elrond noticed that everyone was staring at his eyebrows...

Frodo was now laying down gasping, a few more rocks still being aimed at his head by Ash.

Laurena had forced Pippin to 'Say It, Pippin!' the whole way to Rivendell.

Sammeh had been laughing when Aragorn had burst out into tears, and now he was being held up against the wall, his hand at Sammeh's throat.

Ash had turned, and while still aiming rocks at Frdod, began poking the 'Knig' with a stick.

'Let Sammeh go, big bulleh!'

Then, everyone gasped, and looked at Elrond.

'Oh my god..' 's were said by everyone, except Ash, who was too busy poking Strider and hitting Frodo with rocks to notice that...

Elronds eyebrows were now at a... 90-degree angle!

Strider yelled, and wailed for his mommy.

Sammeh closed his eyes, and yelled in horror.

Frodo cried in pain from a rock in the eye.

The Ringwraiths squeeled and ran off.

Pippin held on to Merry for dear Life.

Merry was yelling for Treebeard.

Laurena was glaring at Elrond, yelling, 'You stole my Steak!'

Legolas sighed, and poked frodo, only to have Ash glare at him.

Ash was still poking Strider, and hitting Frodo with rocks..

((Scary.. 90-Degree angled eyebrows? That would be shaped like this: for god sakes! lol.))

Well, Elrond was getting totally freaked out. He thought the whole lot of us were whacked. So, he quickly dashed inside the palace and shoved his daughter out the door to deal with his visitors.

"Hello, Aragorn, Frodo, Legolas, Gimli, Galadriel, etc. What brings you to Rivendell?"

("…Galadriel, where the hell did you come from?" Asked Legolas. Silence, of course, followed this statement.)

Aragorn started to cry.

"Uhhh... Aragorn? Why are you crying?" asked Arwen.

Aragorn started wailing even more loudly.

"It's hormones," Frodo told her.

"I see... and you are in a window for what reason?"

"Well, I think it has a thing for me. I dunno. Wait, it works for Elrond. He's evil, and he wants to take over Mt Doom!"

"But... Mt Doom was destroyed. Frodo, you of all people should know this! You were there!"

"Oh yeah..."

"Mr Frodo. You are not yourself. I suggest you come into the palace and rest. Come, the whole lot of you."

The company followed Arwen into The Palace of Elrong (and by that I mean Elrond) (where the notorious BED OF ELROND was).

"Oooohhh!" Laurena said, "I've always wanted to do this!" And with that, she dashed around, bonking into random elven servants. She was soon joined by the entire company, and Arwen watched in astonishment as a dozen people ran around bumping into servants, upsetting statues and running into walls.

Frodo of course, could not run, because of the window, so he walked around with a quick sidestep.

Strangely, Ash had not thrown any more rocks at Frodo, she only had a deep thoughtful gaze in her eyes..

Laurena ran past Ash, bumping into her.

Automatically, Ash ran off to severely injure Frodo, even though it had been Laurena that had run into her.

Strider ran past Ash, and a stick flew out of conveniently nowhere, and hit him on the head, rendering him unconscious.

Sammeh was running after Merry and Pippin, who were running away from Laurena, who was chasing Pippin, who had been doing nothing all day but recite lines from his role in the movie with his accent flowing freely into his words.

Suddenly, Frodo was on the ground, yelling. A rock had hit him square in the nose.

Two seconds later, the window had vanished!

Elsewhere

The vertical eyebrow elf stood in front of a mirror, trying to smooth out his eyebrows frantically.

'Drat, I look evil!'

A little voice mutter in his ear.

_But you are evil...._

Back at the Run around Party

Frodo was being tormented by Ash, AGAIN.

He was tied to the wall, and ash had a whole bucket of throwing stones beside her.

Every stone found its mark, right in Frodo's ULGY face. ((wow! do you really call that thing on his head a FACE?))

(Looking back on this line, I figured it was really lame.)

She threw the last rock, and yelled.

'MORE ROCKS!'

Sammeh ran up, grabbed the bucket, and ran out to the pond to get more rocks.

Suddenly, Sammeh was pushed into the water.

Strider stood behind him, his eyes unfocused because of the stick hit he had received earlier.

(Stick hit?)

Sam sputtered, and stared coldly at Strider.

'Jerk!'

'I'm Knig!'

'Jerk!'

'Knig!'

'Jerk!'

'Knig!'

'Duck!' Yelled Sam.

'KNIG!' Yelled Strider.

Then, a stick again flew out of nowhere, and hit Strider on the head.

Sam sighed.

'I told you to duck.'

Aragorn made no reply, as he was currently in a state of unconsciousness. That didn't stop Ash from poking him on the nose, however.

"Poke," said Ash.

"uhhh..." said Aragorn.

"Poke."

one hour later

"uhh..."

"Poke."

"uhh.."

"Po--"

"STOP IT!!!" yelled Elrond, who had emerged from his room.

Everyone stared at him.

"What?!"

"Eyebrows... must destroy eyebrows..."

Elrond ran away, Aragorn in pursuit.

"Stop it, Aragorn! You are behaving very childishly!"

"Ya think?"

"Why this sudden change in behaviour, Aragorn?"

"I'm being controlled by mutant space aliens that suck out brains."

Suddenly, Laurena spoke. "Well, I had this dream last night where Aragorn was this psychopathic rapist person, and he was trying to break into Arwen's bedroom!"

Everyone stared at her.

"What? It was a DREAM! Geez, can I help it if my subconscious mind is dirty?"

Screams were suddenly heard. Aragorn ran back to the group triumphant. He held up Elrond's eyebrows. Elrond chased him around, screaming, "GIVE ME BACK MY EYEBROWS!!!"

Elrond wrestled his eyebrows off of Aragorn.

"HELP!" screamed Sam, "Master Frdod's caught in a doorframe!"

Suddenly, a door and doorframe jumped out and latched itself onto Frodo.

Frodo groaned.

'Not again...'

As ran up to him.

(As what ran up to him? Ash? Huh?)

'Hey! See you found yourself another friend, Frdod!'

Frodo groaned again.

'Not you.. Please go away!'

'Nope! I do whatever you tell me not to do..'

So, Ash poked Frodo in the nose.

'Okay! Stay here and poke me!'

'Alright!'

Ash said, and continued poking him.

'But I thought you said that -OW- that you would -OW- do whatever I told you not to do!-OW-!!'

'Well, I changed the rules!'

Another groan.

Back with the Company

'Don't even try that trick again Samwise.' Strider told Sam.

Sammeh frowned.

'But-'

'No buts!'

'Ok. No Buts.'

'Good.'

Pippin walked up, holding Elrond's eyebrows.

'He's not lyin', Mr Strider! Ah saw him mahslef! He had a doorframe on 'im!'

'Gah.'

'Gah nothin', Mr Strider!'

'Oh no, not her, get her away from me!'

Strider yelled as Ash ran up, a stick in hand.

'Yah, me.'

(That just came outa NOWHERE)

Ash muttered, and poked Strider in the nose.

'Uhhh...'

Poke.

'Uhhh...'

Poke.

'Uhhh...'

Poke.

Back with Elrond.

'NOOO! MY EYEBROWS ARE GONE AGAIN!'

Since Elrond had lost his eyebrows, he couldn't go out in public without wearing a tuque. He couldn't wear the tuque without a ski outfit on. So, now he had to walk around wearing a ski outfit. And since if you wear a ski jacket, you have to go skiing or you look stupid, Elrond went skiing. he was followed by.... us.

Since Frodo was... _hindered _by the door attached to him, he had to sled, using it. Everyone else went skiing, though.

Legolas screamed. "I HAVE DONE NOTHING FOR SOOOOOOO LONG! WELL, NOW I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING!" He skied into a tree. Nobody paid any attention.

"I hate you all..." mutterd Legolas, wiping his bloody nose. "WHAT DOES ANYONE HAVE TO DO TO GET ANY ATTENTION AROUND HERE?!" he screamed. Nobody paid any attention.

Eomer stuck his ski in frond of Haldir, causing him to trip.

(As we're watching The Fellowship of the Ring and reading this, Haldir just randomly pops up at that exact moment. Rawr.)

Haldir cried. "WAHHHH!!! I'm gonna tell Mummy Galadriel on you!"

"Go ahead. What's your _Mommy _gonna do to me?"

"You'll see," cried Haldir, running off.

Glorfindel ran after Haldir, yelling somethings in elvish, that you wouldn't understand if you tried.

Ash had jumped onto the doorframe, and was pelting Frodo with.. um... snowballs.. yes! Icy.... Very icy snowballs!

Elrond looked backwards, and smiled, pleased that the others could not reach him.

Then suddenly, Elrond found himself on the ground!

A skier had hit him. Or at least.. And elf that was TRYING to ski.

'Legolas!' Came the yell of Elrond.

'What? Isnt my fault I cant ski.'

'But you wernt skiing.. You were going uphill!'

'Yay. Uphill skiing!'

Then Elrond remembered that he didn't have his eyebrows on.

Frodo was yelling.

'SAVVVEEEEEE MEEEEE!'

As Ash began pelting him with snowballs again.

As it turns out, a tree had popped up from nowhere, right in front of the taboggining Frodo.

Ash jumped off quickly, but Frodo could not move.

So....

S-P-L-A-T!

Thats how Frodo went.

So now frodo was stuck in a doorframe, that was stuck to a tree, that was stuck to a rather large snowball, that was shortly going to be attached to Elrond!

Eomer was so busy laughing his head off, that he didnt see an army of skiing elves tumbiling down the hill, some of their bottoms, because they had fallen over.

(Maybe it should be 'on' their bottoms.)

They all crashed into Eomer.

Eomer should have listened to Haldir, who now stood over to the side in a tree, with Glorfindel.

Pretty soon, Eomer was covered in a pile of elves. He desperatly struggled to get out.

Legolas was still trying to get attention. He threw the snowball at Elrond's head. Elrond fell over.

Everyone laughed. "HAHAHAHA! Elrond fell!"

Elrond got up slowly. He looked a around menancingly. "I have had enough," he said slowly, "I am sick and tired of your immature behaviour. First you come barging into my castle and bang it up. Then you steal my eyebrows. Then you throw snowballs and mock me. ENOUGH! THIS WILL STOP NOW!"

Elrond screamed, then turned into Sauron. "IT HAS BEEN ME, ALL ALONG!" shouted Sauron, " I HAVE YOUR LITTLE FRIEND ELROND HOSTAGE! HAHAHHAAAA!!!"

Legolas threw a snowball at Sauron, killing him. "Ha ha."

Then we all set out for Mordor to rescue Elrond. Somehow, we knew he would be there.

Pretty soon, Eomer was covered in a pile of elves. He desperately struggled to get out.

Legolas was still trying to get attention. He threw the snowball at Elrond's head. Elrond fell over.

Everyone laughed. "HAHAHAHA! Elrond fell!"

Elrond got up slowly. He looked a around menacingly. "I have had enough," he said slowly, "I am sick and tired of your immature behaviour. First you come barging into my castle and bang it up. Then you steal my eyebrows. Then you throw snowballs and mock me. ENOUGH! THIS WILL STOP NOW!"

Elrond screamed, then turned into Sauron. "IT HAS BEEN ME, ALL ALONG!" shouted Sauron, " I HAVE YOUR LITTLE FRIEND ELROND HOSTAGE! HAHAHHAAAA!!!"

Legolas threw a snowball at Sauron, killing him. "Ha ha."

Then we all set out for Mordor to rescue Elrond. Somehow, we knew he would be there.

Ash was still firing rocks at Frodo's head.

Laurena was watching Ash, laughing.

Frodo was still stuck in a doorframe, with rocks being thrown at his head.

Aragorn was muttering that he was knig.

Eomer was yapping to his helmet.

Haldir was talking to Glorfindel.

Glorfindel was talking to Haldir.

Galadriel had magically dissipeared again.

Sammeh was doing nothing.

Merry and Pippin were seeing who could throw stones farthest, though most hit Frodo in the head.

The window farted.

"Huh?"

I said the window farted.

Everyone wondered how the window could fart if it was no longer in existance. Suddenly, the window jumped out of some guy's afro and lached itself onto Frodo, where it farted. Frodo sighed.

Legolas ran up to Aragorn. "If you help me to take over the world, I'll give you this chicken..." said Legolas, waving a raw chicken in front of Aragorn's face.

Aragorn stuffed it into his mouth. "Mmmmm.... raw chicken...."

Aragorn and Legolas ran off to take over the world.

Laurena was teaching Ash and Pippin the "I-just-ate-the-fudge-you-threw-at-me dance".

Pretty soon, everyone was doing the "I-just-ate-the-fudge-you-threw-at-me dance".

Then some random dude who has nothing to do with this story fell off a cliff and yelled "That'll kill my beer gut for sure!!!!"

Elrond was locked up with Gil-Galad in Sauron's palace.

"So," asked Elrond, "what do you do in this dungeon all day?"

"Nothin'" answered Gil-Galad.

"I see.... So when do they feed us?"

"They don't"

"Then how are you alive, Gil-Galad?"

"Dunno."

"Right.... I'm gonna break out."

"You can't."

"Huh?"

Gil-Galad motioned to the high brick walls of the dungeon. "There ain't no way out."

"Oh..."

Elrond sighed.

Gil-Galad suddenly stood up.

'Hey, Elrond, bang your head on the wall. Mine isnt stup-'

Elrond stared at him.

'Were your going to say stupid?'

'Nope. I was going to say smrt.'

'Smrt?'

'Yeah.'

'Oh, ok.'

Elrong banged his head on the wall, and then...

Nothing Happened.

But then...

Gil-Galad farted, and the whole wall blew apart to smitherines.

'Whoa..'

Gasped Elrong.

Gil-Galad smelt his fart.

'Yuck. Hey, Elrond, you realize that this crazy person that is writing this non-tolkien ((zap)) OW! I mean, this glorious story, called you Elrong?'

'Hey, yeah, that jerk did!' ((zap)) 'OW! Sorry, I mean, that Frodo-Killer, did!'

((The stuff in brackers are me! I zapped them.. mwuhahahahaha!))

Back to the story!

No, wait.. My part is done.

Ha ha.

HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME?

:( Sorry.

You'd better be.

nods

HAPPY VALANTANES DAY!

Valantanes?

Yes, Valantanes.

I though it was Valentines.

Either way.

Yea.

So, who is this stupid other half of me that is talking to me?

Obviously your other half, AshLEY!

Argh! You called me Ash LEY!

runs off before is mistaken for Frodo

Eomer grabbed a pig and shoved it up his nose, then took another, and put it in his helmet.

Legolas was not amused. He sat, doing nothing at all, bored, with a bloody nose, and muttering elvish curses.

The 'Knig' was waltzing around, with Sam on a leash.

Then, the pigs ran over to Frodo, and began to oink at him, but they were abruptly stopped as Ash ran over and murdered them all for going near her punching bag... Frodo! (hahahahahaha)

"Lalalalalalalalalala!" sang Frodo, doing the "I'm-singing-Lalalalalalalalalala!" dance. The window clamped his mouth shut.

Meanwhile, evil pigs were taking over the ceiling. Oooooo boy.

"So then, the twelve evil pigeons ate all the saturated corn fat and me and my people had to eat lard for a week... Ahhh! The good old days!" Gil-galad droned on. Elrond was already asleep.

"Turd," yelled Laurena.

"Turd," yelled the window.

The window, which had broken suddenly apart, just as suddenly jumped together and latched itself onto Frodo…

The pigs fell off the ceiling and landed on Eomer's helmet.

Then Crap-man walked in and sold a pair of sandals to Eomer for 433 NP.

While Eomer was complaining about this rip off, Ash spoke. It was only one word, but it left everyone speechless. Even Merry and Pippin stopped throwing rocks at Frodo. It was only one word, but it was as powerful as any hundred.

It was:

"Moo."

Ash seemed just as stunned as anyone else by her sudden choice of words.

"Moo."

In fact, she looked as though she could not believe that she would say such a thing. Suddenly, she slapped herself in the face and exclaimed, "STUPID BEER!"

Gandalf put some weed in his pipe and got really high off it. He started singing the God is bigger than the Boogeyman song.

_No… this cannot be… _thought Ash, _I do not say moo…I will not sink to Laurena's level…_

Ash went back in time, and made herself say 'Grish' instead of the hated 'moo'.

Then, she went forward, and killed Gandalf, so he would stop that dratted singing.

Gandalf didn't take too kindly to this, so he began eating a potato.

Then Laurena said moo, and everything was normal.

Eomer forgot about the pig he'd shoved up his helmet, so when he spoke to the helmet, he was surprised when it emitted a loud "OINK!"

He was so startled, in fact, that he fell off his dinosaur.

"Why did I just fall off my dinosaur?!" demanded Eomer, "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DINOSAUR!!!"

You do now, Eomer.

Everyone gathered around to look at Eomer's dinosaur. It was a T-Rex.


End file.
